When Change Asks People to Let Go of Who They’ve Been
I had coffee recently with a woman in my network whom I hadn’t seen in a while.
The official reason for getting together was that I wanted to hear about her coaching journey. She has gone through various coaching certification programs, and since I’ve been exploring what a formal coaching credential might look like in my own work, I was curious about her path.
But like the best coffee conversations, we didn't stay neatly inside the original agenda.
We talked about careers, consulting, coaching, parenting teenagers, and how hard it can be to know when to offer advice...and when to simply ask better questions. We also acknowledged that sometimes a situation that looks like hesitation, resistance, or indecision is actually something much deeper.
Sometimes change asks us to let go of a version of ourselves...to shed a well-worn and comfortable identity. That can be harder than we expect.
My coffee companion shared how, after investing in her coaching credentials, she realized she didn’t actually want to do traditional one-on-one coaching as the center of her work. What energized her more was facilitating workshops and creating experiences for groups. In other words, the coaching training she received was still valuable, but the identity she originally imagined for herself had definitely shifted in an unexpected way.
That kind of realization can be clarifying, but it can also be disorienting — and she admitted as much.
When we move toward something new, we are often also moving away from something familiar: a role, a rhythm, a reputation, a way of being useful, a way of adding value, or a way of being seen.
Let's be honest. Even when a new scenario introduces a positive change, there can still be a small grief in leaving the old version behind.
When “Small” Changes Don’t Feel Small
I spend a lot of time working with small and mid-sized organizations. For them, change doesn't necessarily involve a massive ERP implementation, a merger, or a full-scale enterprise transformation.
Rather, in these businesses change frequently looks like:
rolling out a new project management tool
cleaning up a marketing automation platform that everyone has been avoiding
changing how client handoffs happen
redesigning employee onboarding so new hires are not left to “just figure it out”
shifting marketing workflows to include AI-supported drafting or editing
clarifying who owns which decisions at what thresholds
moving from heroic individual effort to repeatable team systems
These may sound practical, operational, and manageable. Because for SMBs, they usually are. But even "right-sized" changes can feel big when they affect how people understand their own contributions and value. Do any of these strike a chord?
A new workflow makes someone feel like their hard-earned expertise is being questioned.
A cleaner process makes someone feel like their informal influence is disappearing.
A new technology makes someone feel like the part of the work they loved most is being automated, minimized, or handed to a tool that does not know the difference between technically correct and actually good.
You already know that last one is showing up so often now.
For example, imagine a marketing professional who has always taken pride in creating things by hand: shaping a first draft, polishing its copy, selecting (or designing) the image, and tweaking the message until it finally feels right.
Now, AI tools are embedded into the platforms the leader already uses. What a boon to efficiency! A first draft can appear in seconds. Image concepts can be generated. Subject lines can be suggested. Campaign variations can be tested. Faster. Than. Ever.
That can be useful for a lot of us, and it can also be unsettling for many. The work is not simply changing from “manual” to “automated.” The person’s identity may be shifting from creator to curator, from maker to editor, from hands-on builder to strategic guide.
That's not a small transition, but it’s one organizations don’t always give enough attention to amid the rush of back-to-back meetings and looming deadlines. Even when the strategic value of the person’s role is still very much needed after those small transitions, the emotional experience...the feel...of the work can change. The joy involved may evolve. The sense of ownership may shift. And, the definition of what makes me “good at my job” will probably need to expand.
During change initiatives, if leaders only talk about efficiency, productivity, and tool adoption, they may miss the more human question underneath:
What version of themselves are people being asked to release?
Resistance May Be Protecting Something
When change gets bumpy, it is tempting to label people quickly. Do any of these sound familiar?
They are resistant.
They're negative.
They do not like change.
They are stuck in the old way.
Sometimes that may be true. We all know a few Olympic-level foot-draggers. But often, resistance is protecting something like a sense of competence, a source of pride, the feeling of belonging on a team, or a story someone has told themselves for years about what makes them uniquely valuable.
This is especially true in smaller organizations, where roles are often deeply personal and highly relational. People are not just “the marketing director” or “the nonprofit program manager” or “the operations person.” They are the person who knows how everything works, remembers why that donor report is formatted that way, can fix the spreadsheet no one else understands, or has been holding a fragile process together with metaphorical duct tape, institutional memory, and possibly a concerning amount of caffeine.
So when a new system or process arrives, it may not feel like a neutral improvement. Actually, it may very well feel like a quiet threat to personal identity.
Who am I if I’m no longer the only person who knows how to do this?
What happens if the thing I’m known for becomes standardized?
Will I still be needed if the tool does part of the work?
Will people notice the judgment, nuance, and care I bring...or just my output?
These are not always the questions people say out loud in a change meeting. But those questions are often bouncing around inside their heads.
Identity Shifts Don’t Stay in Their Lane
Part of why this topic feels so human to me is that it is not limited to organizations. I've seen it over the course of my career, and as I...sigh...navigate the wildly turbulent challenge of parenting teenagers.
It shows up when our kids have spent years in one primary activity – clinging to an identity built around “I’ve done this for as long as I can remember.” Then, suddenly they are not sure whether they want to continue in that activity lane...yet they can't visualize what it would look like not to be there either. Personal reinvention may seem daunting.
As a parent, that can stir up a surprising amount of angst for everyone involved (believe me, I know!).
There is the practical layer of considerations: schedules, commitments, friendships, sunk costs, carpool logistics, and all the invisible coordination that somehow turns one activity decision into a full-family operations meeting.
But underneath all of that, there's often an identity question waiting to be named.
Who am I if I am not “the dancer,” “the athlete,” “the musician,” “the theater kid,” “the one who always does this thing”?
And for the parent, there may be another layer:
Who am I if my child’s path looks different than I expected?
Organizational change has its own version of this story. The informal “fixer” may have spent years being the person everyone turns to when something breaks. A leader may be deeply identified with having a hand in every decision. A whole department may take pride in its scrappy, all-hands-on-deck way of operating. Then the organization grows, funding changes, the team expands, or the old process finally collapses under its own “we’ll clean this up later” weight.
The next version may be healthier, more sustainable, and exactly what the organization needs. But...that doesn't mean people will immediately feel ready to step into it.
Often, they need a moment to first acknowledge and process what the old version gave them before they can fully participate in building the new one.
The Human Work Behind the Project Plan
This is where I think change management becomes more than a project plan.
A project plan matters, of course. Don't get me wrong: I love a clear timeline, a sane workflow, and a decision-making structure that does not require six people to interpret the same Slack message like it’s a sacred text.
However, the plan alone is not the change. Transformation also lives in conversations: how leaders explain the why, whether people feel invited into the process or merely informed after the fact, and whether someone has space to say, “I know this makes sense, but I’m having a hard time with it.”
This is also where I’ve been thinking about the difference between consulting conversations and coaching conversations.
There are absolutely times in a change project when people need clear guidance. After all, they hired me to help solve a problem, which means they need recommendations, structure, priorities, decisions, and probably a spreadsheet that makes everyone feel slightly calmer.
That is the consulting side.
There are other moments, though, when the most useful thing is not for me to prescribe the answer immediately. The better move may be for me to pause and ask:
What feels hardest about this shift?
What are you worried might be lost?
What part of the old process actually worked well and deserves to be honored?
Where do people still need clarity?
What would help this new way feel less like a threat and more like a tool?
Those questions do not replace expertise. Rather, they make the expertise more effective.
After all, if we do not understand what people are protecting, we may design technically sound solutions that fail socially because they won't allow for people to connect in meaningful ways.
And, for small and mid-sized organizations, that matters a whole lot. In those organizations, you may not have endless capacity, backup teams, or a project management office (PMO) standing by with laminated stakeholder maps. Most likely, your people are already busy, your managers are often player-coaches, and your systems may be held together by a mix of software subscriptions, shared drives, and one person who knows where everything is.
So, the human layer is not a “nice to have.” It is often the difference between a change that sticks and a change that quietly fades into the sunset after the kickoff meeting.
A Few Identity Shifts to Watch For
If you are leading a change in your organization, it may help to look beyond the task list and ask what identity shifts might be happening underneath the surface.
Here are a few common ones:
The expert becomes the learner.
This can happen when a long-tenured employee is asked to adopt a new system. They may be used to being the person others come to for answers. Now they have to ask questions in public, make mistakes, and feel new at something again.
That can feel vulnerable.
The creator becomes the curator.
This is happening in marketing and communications as AI tools become more embedded in everyday platforms. The person’s value does not disappear, but it changes shape (as long as they are willing). Strategy, judgment, taste, ethics, editing, and audience understanding become even more important — but the hands-on creative process may feel different.
That can feel like a loss before it feels like leverage. I know I've felt the bittersweet reality of this identity shift myself over recent years.
The hero becomes the system-builder.
In many growing organizations, certain people are celebrated because they can jump in and save the day. But as the organization matures, the goal becomes fewer emergencies and more repeatable systems.
That is good for sustainability, though it can also feel strange for a “Fix-it Felix” type who has built an identity around being indispensable.
The generalist becomes more focused.
In small teams, people often wear many hats out of necessity. As the organization grows, roles may become clearer and more specialized. That clarity can be healthy, but it can also feel like a narrowing of influence or ownership.
For people who genuinely enjoy being involved across the business, specialization can create an unexpected sense of FOMO (fear of missing out) as their world becomes a little smaller and more defined.
The leader becomes less central.
When decision rights, workflows, and systems become clearer, leaders may no longer need to be involved in every detail. Hooray — that's usually a sign of progress!
But for a founder, executive director, or department head who has carried the organization for years, stepping back can feel surprisingly uncomfortable.
None of these shifts are bad. In many cases, they are signs of growth. But they need to be named, supported, and designed for.
What This Means for Leaders
To be clear, I am not suggesting you dim the lights and hold a feelings summit every time you roll out a new CRM. But it is worth making room for the human side of the transition.
That could look like:
naming what is changing and what is not
honoring the value of the old process before replacing it
creating opportunities for people to ask questions early
identifying who may feel a loss of status, competence, ownership, or control
defining new markers of success so people can see where their value is going next
involving key team members in shaping the path forward
checking whether the conversation you are having matches the conversation people need
At different points in a change process, people may need different kinds of support. For example, early on, they may need clear information and reassurance. As the work gets more concrete, they may need a chance to help build the new thing, test it, question it, and see where their own judgment still matters. And sometimes, they simply need someone to say, “Of course this feels weird. You were good at the old way. That doesn’t mean you won’t eventually become just as good — or even better — in the new one.”
That sentence alone can lower the temperature in a room.
The People-Centered Systems Layer
This is the heart of people-centered systems work.
A better process is not just cleaner on paper. It has to work for the humans who will use it. A technology implementation is not just about configuration; it is about whether people understand how the tool supports their work, their goals, and their sense of contribution. A communications plan is not just about announcements, either. It is about helping people make meaning.
That is why approachable change management has to hold both structure and empathy. Too much structure without empathy, and people feel steamrolled. Too much empathy without structure, and the change gets mushy, delayed, or stuck in endless “processing.”
The sweet spot is helping people move through change with both clarity and care — and that requires knowing when to prescribe and when to inquire. There are moments to bring the framework, moments to ask the question, moments to clarify the next step, and moments to pause long enough to listen for the fear underneath the objection. That balance matters for leaders, too. Sometimes change asks the team to let go of an old way of working, and sometimes it asks the leader to let go of being the person with the answer.
Because often, the question is not only, “How do we get people to adopt this change?”
The better question may be:
“What version of themselves are people being asked to let go of, and how can we help them see the value of who they are becoming?”
That is where change gets more human. And usually, more sustainable.
A Reflection for This Week
If you are leading a change right now (even a small one) take a moment to look a layer deeper than the project plan.
Ask yourself:
Who is being asked to become a beginner again?
Who may feel untethered, less needed, or less certain?
What parts of the old way deserve to be honored before they are retired?
Where might people need guidance, and where might they need inquiry?
How can the new system help people see their value more clearly, not less?
Change is not only about moving from old to new. Often, it is about helping people carry the best of who they have been into who they are becoming.
That’s the kind of change work worth slowing down for.
If your organization is navigating a change that looks simple on paper but feels complicated in practice, Mosaic BizOps can help you look at both the workflow and the human layer underneath it. Explore fractional change and systems leadership or project-based change and strategy support.
